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The Pas­tor entered his don­key in a race and  it won.

The Pas­tor was so pleased with the don­key that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of  pub­li­city that he ordered the  Pas­tor not to enter the don­key in another race.

The next day the local paper head­line read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pas­tor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pas­tor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hear­ing of the news, pos­ted the fol­low­ing head­line the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the don­key so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the don­key and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the head­lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was bur­ied the next day.

The moral of the story is…being con­cerned about pub­lic opin­ion can bring you much grief and misery — and even death!

…and now for some­thing a little lighter more enter­tain­ing, Mr. Chuck Norris…

Chuck Nor­ris doesn’t need twit­ter, he’s already fol­low­ing you.

Chuck Nor­ris bit the Apple logo.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Nor­ris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Nor­ris and lives.

Chuck Nor­ris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Nor­ris can touch MC Hammer

Some magi­cians can walk on water, Chuck Nor­ris can swim through land.

Chuck Nor­ris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the cour­age to tell him yet.

Chuck Nor­ris once urin­ated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke… that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Nor­ris doesn’t flush the toi­let, he scares the sh*t out of it

Every­body tries to be per­fect… Per­fec­tion tries to be Chuck Norris

When Chuck Nor­ris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he respon­ded: “Depends how I’m feel­ing that day.”

Chuck Nor­ris can strangle you with a cord­less phone.

Chuck Nor­ris coun­ted to infin­ity — twice.

More?

Chuck Nor­ris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Nor­ris and Super­man once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wear­ing his under­wear on the out­side of his pants.

Death once had a near-Chuck Nor­ris experience

Chuck Nor­ris can single handedly sur­round his victims.

When Chuck Nor­ris looks at him­self at a mir­ror, there is no reflec­tion. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Nor­ris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Nor­ris was sup­posed to star in the TV show ‘Man vs Wild’, but the net­work chief did not want kids think­ing ‘lava is safe to eat’.

Chuck Nor­ris doesn’t need a GPS. Chuck Nor­ris decides where he is.

When the Boo­gey­man goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Nor­ris can win a game of Con­nect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Nor­ris was in all 6 Star Wars movies… As The Force.

Chuck Nor­ris is the only man to punch a Cyc­lops between the eyes

Chuck Nor­ris beat the sun in a star­ing contest

Chuck Nor­ris was born on Feb­ru­ary 30th.

Chuck Nor­ris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its des­cend­ants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Nor­ris can dis­like on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Nor­ris’ farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Nor­ris can light a fire by rub­bing two ice-cubes together.

Chuck Nor­ris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly fool­ish enough to attack him.

Chuck Nor­ris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Nor­ris throws a boom­er­ang it doesn’t dare come back

Chuck Nor­ris does not fart, noth­ing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Nor­ris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Nor­ris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Nor­ris kicked planet earth, and it hasn’t stopped spin­ning to this day.

There is no the­ory of evol­u­tion. Just a list of anim­als Chuck Nor­ris allows to live.

Chuck Nor­ris des­troyed the peri­odic table because the only ele­ment Chuck Nor­ris recog­nizes is the ele­ment of surprise

Unstop­pable force meet­ing an immov­able object? Chuck Nor­ris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Nor­ris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Nor­ris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Nor­ris can leave a mes­sage before the beep.

Chuck Nor­ris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Nor­ris can use Mxit on a pay phone.

At the reg­u­lar Sunday morn­ing ser­vice, Father George announced that he was plan­ning to leave for a lar­ger church that would pay him more and look after his family’s needs better.

There is a hush within the con­greg­a­tion. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns sev­eral car deal­er­ships stands up and pro­claims “If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mer­cedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to trans­port their children!”

The con­greg­a­tion sighs in appre­ci­ation and applauds.

Dimitri, a suc­cess­ful busi­ness­man and law­yer, stands and says, “If Father George will stay on here, I’ll per­son­ally double his salary, and estab­lish a found­a­tion to guar­an­tee a free uni­ver­sity edu­ca­tion for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, “If Father George stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence.

Father George, blush­ing, asks her: “Maria, you’re a won­der­ful and holy lady.

Whatever pos­sessed you to say that?”

Maria’s 70-year old hus­band, Vasil­lis, is now try­ing to hide, hold­ing his fore­head with the palm of his hand, and shak­ing his head from side to side, while his wife replied, “Well, I just asked my hus­band how we could help, and he said: “Fuck him.”

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beau­ti­ful, big-breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that any­one whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spir­itual purity.

The beau­ti­ful model danced before the first can­did­ate with no reac­tion.
She pro­ceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Car­los. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clat­ter­ing across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage.

Embar­rassed, Car­los quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up… and all the other bells star­ted to ring.

I asked my mis­sus if we could try the ‘Chilean Miner’ pos­i­tion the other night.

She asked me if it was the one where she goes deep down my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air?

I told her no, it’s the one where she f**ks off and I don’t see her for four months.

Gut-wrenching stuff indeed!

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