the3rdrock.com

Hey, Amer­ica! The GOP is, yet again, look­ing out for you. This week, Con­gress took a break from vot­ing to make sure none of your tax dol­lars will go to all those abor­tion clin­ics NPR wants to open in our national parks, to pass a fed­eral law that only the nation that inven­ted Feb­reze­would tolerate.

They have affirmed that pizza is a veget­able. Yes, the tomato sauce on pizza is enough for Amer­ican politi­cians to define it and allow it to be served as a veget­able in school lunch pro­grams across the US.

Never mind that toma­toes are a fruit, and com­mer­cial tomato sauce has so much sugar in it that not only is it not a veget­able, but it should be clas­si­fied as a dessert. In fact, it takes a big set of balls to even call school lunch pizza, um, pizza. I think the only chance we have of instilling any sense into these politi­cians is if we douse it with squirt cheese and serve it in a microwave­able pouch.

And poor Michelle Obama. The First Lady is work­ing so hard to get kids to put down the Cool Ranch deep-fried tobacco dogs, or whatever it is they con­coct with that meat sub­stance pet food com­pan­ies rejec­ted that got sold to pub­lic schools. It is a Sis­yphean task just to get these lunch pro­grams to serve some­thing, any­thing, fresh and healthy that hasn’t been grown with Major League Baseball-style ster­oids. Why? Because we live in Amer­ica, where people, who have been elec­ted to pub­lic office, do not believe in cli­mate sci­ence, but do believe pizza is a veget­able. I envy your tenacity, Flotus.

I knew big Pharma and the NRA had power­ful lob­bies, but appar­ently, the frozen food industry’s “par­tially hydro­gen­ated, tomato-ish sauce-coated, food-like card­board sub­stance” lobby is more influ­en­tial than I had ini­tially real­ised. And these big food giants have done won­ders con­vin­cing us all fresh pro­duce is insur­mount­ably incon­veni­ent and, like lem­mings, we go along with it, buy­ing pre-packaged ver­sions of these clearly ined­ible options.

And it’s not just veget­ables. Fruit has also been bas­tard­ised as just too much of a nuis­ance to eat, so enter the franken­fooders to sim­plify it for us. Fruit Roll-Ups? They have brain­washed us into believ­ing the bur­den of haul­ing around an apple or a pear had become so daunt­ing, we needed someone to mix up fruit with some corn syrup and “Roll It Up”.

See? Now we do eat fruit because it’s easier. So you never have to exper­i­ence that pesky fresh fruit juice squirt­ing you in the eye or, worse, to stress out hav­ing to get up off the couch to wash it. You can just “unroll it”. And it never goes bad. Ever. It’s prac­tic­ally a miracle.

So, in a coun­try where fer­til­ised eggs are people and assem­bling bur­gers is a man­u­fac­tur­ing job, and ber­ries are bet­ter in the form of shoe leather, why not call a sug­ary fruit paste sauce that comes out of a can and is poured onto dough that comes out of a box, topped with cheese that’s spelt Cheez and comes out of a Whiz, a vegetable.

And in case you were won­der­ing, yes, Axe Body spray is now con­sidered a bath.

Let’s be hon­est here, sometimes genet­ics do play a part in a person’s size.

That’s per­fectly accept­able — and understandable.

Pregnancy-related weight gain, illness-linked weight gain and age-appropriate weight are not the sub­ject here, excess is.

If any part of you wobbles, rolls or cov­ers bey­ond the norm’, you’re the topic of dis­cus­sion here.

Using the excuse that you’re “big-boned”, genetically-predisposed or ill — for more than a medically-appropriate term — is noth­ing but laziness.

Most larger-than-average people have the abil­ity to exer­cise, diet and eat healthily.

If your weight raises the eye­brow of any­one with a med­ical degree and your girth neces­sit­ates more than the norm’ for any­thing you need or want, bey­ond those of a per­fectly valid excuse, you’re fat because you’re lazy and stupid.

Weight reg­u­la­tion should, ideally, be handled one one’s self.

Wor­ry­ingly, the Idiocracy now feels the need to legis­late what we define the 0ur foods as.

Sur­pris­ingly, the US Con­gress is head­ing up the task, hav­ing recently decided that the humble tomato should move up the hier­archy. When applied to a pizza base, a pizza is no longer a pizza, it is…a VEGETABLE.

That’s right, your entire pizza is now a vegetable.

Besides the obvi­ous stu­pid­ity here, there is the quite sci­entific fact that a tomato is in fact a fruit.

The Mind boggles.

Scary news, when you con­sider that the USA is the 9th-fattest nation on the planet, with nearly 75% of their cit­izens clas­si­fied as ‘obese’.

So, if you’re fat, you’re stu­pid — but you pos­sibly be vin­dic­ated in that you’re fat because your gov­ern­ment is stupid.

Your gov­ern­ment made you fat. We blame them for everything else, why not our fat too?

Source: The­Guard­ian.co.uk