Have a Happy Period.

Mon­day, March 05, 2007

An Open Let­ter to James Thatcher, Brand Man­ager, Proc­tor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appre­ci­ate many of their fea­tures. Why, with­out the Leak­Guard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d prob­a­bly never go horse­back rid­ing or salsa danc­ing, and I’d cer­tainly steer clear of run­ning up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite fea­ture has to be your rev­o­lu­tion­ary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only com­pany smart enough to real­ize how cru­cial it is that maxi pads be aero­dy­namic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month know­ing there’s a lit­tle F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a men­strual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suf­fered from “the curse”? I’m guess­ing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is start­ing right now. As I type, I can already feel hor­monal forces vio­lently surg­ing through my body. Just a few min­utes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be trans­formed into what my hus­band likes to call “an inbred hill­billy with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand man­ager in the feminine-hygiene divi­sion, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly hap­pens dur­ing your cus­tomers’ monthly vis­its from Aunt Flo. There­fore, you must know about the bloat­ing, puffi­ness, and cramp­ing we endure, and about our intense mood swings, cry­ing jags, and out-of-control behav­ior. You surely real­ize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jen­nifer fought the vio­lent urge to shove her boyfriend’s tes­ti­cles into a George Fore­man Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was writ­ten by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all peo­ple must real­ize that Amer­ica is just crawl­ing with homi­ci­dal mani­acs in capri pants. Which brings me to the rea­son for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramp­ing so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhe­sive back­ing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fuck­ing kid­ding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smil­ing, laugh­ing hap­pi­ness—is pos­si­ble dur­ing a men­strual period? Did any­thing men­tioned above sound the least bit plea­sur­able? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be any­thing “happy” about a day in which you have to jack your­self up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock your­self in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Wal­greens armed with a hunt­ing rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic mes­sage on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say some­thing that’s actu­ally per­ti­nent, like “Put Down the Ham­mer” or “Vehic­u­lar Manslaugh­ter Is Wrong”? Or are you just pick­ing on us?

Sir, please inform your account­ing depart­ment that, effec­tive imme­di­ately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly prof­its, for I have cho­sen to take my maxi-pad busi­ness else­where. And though I will cer­tainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of con­de­scend­ing bull­shit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Catch up with Wendi on her blog.

World’s Largest Penis

Jonah Fal­con is a 38-year-old New Yorker who is doing his best to become a seri­ous actor and filmmaker.”

With a height of 5’9″, an aver­age build and a youth­ful face, you’d be for­given for walk­ing right past him. How­ever, it’s unlikely that you would…your eyes would prob­a­bly be drawn to the rather large bulge in his crotch area.

You see, Jonah is the holder of the title ‘World’s Largest Penis’ — as shown on HBO’s Pri­vate Dicks: Men Exposed at 13.5 inches.

Appar­ently it’s pro­por­tion­ally thick too.

The atten­tion Fal­con really craves, how­ever, is as an actor. And up to this point, much of his work has been as an uncred­ited extra.

If you watch The Sopra­nos episode in which Paulie finds out that his mother is really his aunt, you’ll see him as a hos­pi­tal orderly. This is work that’s called “pay­ing your dues.” Fal­con has been a juror on Law & Order (and it must have been a hung jury). He was a men­tal patient in the Oscar-winning A Beau­ti­ful Mind and a barfly on Ed.

His scene from Sex and the City was cut, but how could Saman­tha not have dated him?

I’ve had big­ger roles in indie films,” he tells me, “the kind that don’t get listed on IMDB.”

Porn?” I ask him.

Of course not,” he tells me. “I’m a SAG actor. If I did porn, nobody would take me seri­ously. Nobody. And Nobody would care about the size of my penis.”


Because porn actors all lie about the size of their penis,” he says. “I’ve been mea­sured on TV.”

You can read the rest of the arti­cle here.

The price of Weed…

Dear Econ­o­mist: Why is a bag of weed always $10 (man)?

By Tim Har­ford

Pub­lished: Sep­tem­ber 4 2010

I have been a client of weed deal­ers in North Amer­ica since the mid-1980s and no mat­ter who the ven­dor, the price has remained $10 a gramme. I don’t think any­thing in 25 years has stayed fixed in price like weed has.

Deal­ers might have some power to increase prices, as it’s ille­gal, and there are some sig­nif­i­cant bar­ri­ers to entry, such as get­ting arrested. But if I don’t like the prices, it’s pretty easy to grow some on my own, because it “grows like a weed”, even if it might not be as good as the dealer’s Cannabis sativa.

So how did we end up at $10 a gramme?


P.S. I meant to email this sooner, but was pretty baked and for­got to hit send …

Dear Sebas­t­ian,

The nom­i­nal price rigid­ity you describe is remark­able and unusual. If the price of weed had increased in line with US con­sumer price infla­tion, you’d be pay­ing $20–$25 a gramme now. So I agree, it is a puzzle.

My guess is that the ille­gal­ity of the mar­ket gives a push towards the price stick­i­ness you have encoun­tered. Buy­ing and sell­ing cannabis is haz­ardous and there must be a ben­e­fit to a sit­u­a­tion where nobody hag­gles over the price.

Still, the nom­i­nal price wouldn’t stick like that unless sup­ply and demand were at least roughly in bal­ance at $10 a gramme. And I con­fess, I am per­plexed. My own research, which has been purely aca­d­e­mic, sug­gests that prices vary between £20 and £250 an ounce in the UK, roughly £1 to £10 a gramme. Since the price sta­bil­ity you describe is not matched in other mar­kets, could it be purely fortuitous?

What­ever the rea­son, this could be a handy dis­cov­ery. In hyper­in­fla­tion­ary times, peo­ple turn to tobacco or cof­fee as more sta­ble cur­ren­cies. If quan­ti­ta­tive eas­ing gets out of hand, you have found a sta­ble cur­rency for the 21st century.

Ques­tions to [email protected]

Now THAT ^ is tol­er­ance of all and sundry. 😉