This gem comes from the esteemed *cough* pro­pa­gand­ist chron­icle, The New Age…

Lebogang Boshomane

A Zim­b­ab­wean Sen­ator, Mor­gan Femai, has sug­ges­ted that women shave their heads, stop tak­ing baths and dress badly to stop the spread of HIV.

Accord­ing to the Zimbabwe’s Her­ald, Femai believes that HIV is spread­ing at an alarm­ing rate because men find it dif­fi­cult to res­ist women.

“What I pro­pose it that the gov­ern­ment should come up with a law that com­pels women to have their heads clean-shaven like what the Apostolic sects do,” said Mr Femai, when speak­ing to a par­lia­ment­ary HIV aware­ness workshop.

The sen­ator also stated that female cir­cum­cision would also help in the fight against the disease.

“Women have got more mois­ture in their organs as com­pared to men so there is need to research on how to deal with that mois­ture because it is con­du­cive for bac­teria breed­ing. There should be a way to suck out that mois­ture,” the sen­ator is quoted saying.

The HIV work­shop was set up by Zim­b­ab­wean Par­lia­ment­ari­ans in con­junc­tion with the National Aids Coun­cil and some UN agen­cies pro­mote Aids awareness.

Can you believe that that is NOT satir­ical? Mor­gan Femai actu­ally believes — or wants us to believe — that that is realistic.

Ladies and gen­tle­men, if you’ve ever wondered why Africa is still a back­wards, screwy and delap­id­ated sh*thole, this is the latest reason why.

I plugged all of Morgan’s require­ments into Google Images, includ­ing the large and much-loved “African butt” that sati­ates the pub­lic hori­zon around here, and even Google’s epic infra­struc­ture failed to bring up just one suit­able can­did­ate, so des­pite the ludi­cros­ity of it all, Mr. Femai might actu­ally be onto a win­ning for­mula here.

Every­one knows no-one is respons­ible for their actions on the dark c*ntinent, so best we find altern­at­ive meth­ods of con­trolling those who simply can­not con­trol their 11th finger.

This goof, worthy of a mighty pos­terior kick­ing, was spot­ted in the local super­mar­ket this past week­end…

We sug­gest a por­tion of three Had­dake fil­lets, served on a blue background.

Sea Har­vest, you ser­i­ously need to up your mar­ket­ing qual­ity con­trol and your cus­tomer service.

I dealt, more than sat­is­fact­or­ily, with one of your com­pet­it­ors last week. Their hand­ling of my query was prompt, pleas­ur­able and efficient.

Yours? Well, nearly two days on and I have yet to get a read receipt on my email to you.

Police put ‘black­list on the blacklist’

May 8 2012 at 12:39pm

Police chiefs have banned the word “black­list” over fears it is racist.

They have also struck out its oppos­ite — “whitel­ist” — which is used by IT work­ers for a list of accept­able email contacts.

Scot­land Yard employ­ees have been told to use “red” and “green” instead.

The move baffled officers, who said it would do little to help the force emerge from its latest racism crisis.

Thir­teen reports of racism, involving 27 officers and staff, are being probed by the Met and the inde­pend­ent police watch­dog. One officer said: “Frankly we all sigh when things like this come around. Lots of good work is done to make sure poli­cing reaches into all parts of soci­ety and helps the most vul­ner­able. This is not it.”

The ban emerged in an email to Yard IT staff from secur­ity ser­vices chief Brian Douglas. He wrote: “IB (Inform­a­tion Board) are uncom­fort­able with the use of the term whitel­ist (and I pre­sume black­list). I am sure we can appre­ci­ate the sens­it­iv­ity around the use of such ter­min­o­logy today so please ensure it is no longer used.”

The Oxford Dic­tion­ary defines a black­list as a “list of the names of people and groups who have incurred sus­pi­cion, cen­sure or dis­pleas­ure, and are typ­ic­ally there­fore sub­ject to a ban”. It was first recor­ded in 1624 in a ser­mon by Bishop Joseph Hall.

The Met said the move reflec­ted “a more appro­pri­ate use of lan­guage in a pro­fes­sional, poli­cing envir­on­ment”. — Daily Mail

The Met has also stated that no officer may have more than one Rebecca Black song on his or her music player at any one time.

Employ­ment Equity and sus­pect racial pro­fil­ing is hence­forth per­man­ently out of the ques­tion as that would neces­sit­ate the cre­ation of black and white lists.

Lastly, in break­ing news, the black­list and whitel­ist terms are not to be replaced with lists of any other col­ours but with neut­ral words, such as ‘happy’ and ‘flower’.

It was thought that renam­ing them ‘good’ and ‘bad’ would be best, but items and people on the ‘bad’ list would feel hurt and the Psych’ ward simply can’t handle any more through­put. Col­ours have been banned as com­plaints may be received from people who are seen to be nature-lovers, i.e. green but in fact enjoy trash­ing it, whilst red might upset out Com­mun­ist com­rades. It is felt, by man­age­ment, that blue is his­tor­ic­ally Smurf, and that in light of the fact that they have not been proven to be defin­it­ively make-believe, that they may be put out. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has a strange­hold on purple, the sun is linked, over­whelm­ingly so, to yel­low and orange is far too com­monly mis­taken for amber in order to be used; staff may be unsure of which list to use.

Upon fur­ther invest­ig­a­tion, by our com­mit­tee, headed by the research group and aided by the insight board, the Met kindly requests that you stop arrest­ing people thus kindly doing away with lists alto­gether. This will ensure the utmost care in pre­serving our accept­ing and for­giv­ing society.

Long live the Queen.

Source: IOL

For some strange reason, some people enjoy liv­ing amongst stuffed anim­als, usu­ally ones they’ve taken out with the aid of a high-powered rifle at great dis­tance. These people are often iden­ti­fi­able by the sounds they emit when found in the vicin­ity of their kills; the phon­et­ics closely — and falsely — resemble words such as ‘bravery’, ‘hunter’ and “ooga-booga”. The lat­ter is nor­mally asso­ci­ated with the sounds of drag­ging knuckles.

I’m sure most of us unfor­tu­nate enough to have spent a sub­stan­tial amount of time on the dark con­tin­ent have encountered these pathetic furry statues to idiocy. Often they are the heads or bod­ies of the ‘Big 5′, but it’s not uncom­mon to see such anim­als as warthogs, gir­affe and ante­lope, etc.

Con­sid­er­ing that we are some way along the cal­en­dar from the Colo­nial period, it is unusual though, to find other animal parts, other than their legs & fee,t sup­port­ing tables in pricey antique shops and out­dated ‘boys clubs’.

It is sur­pris­ing then, to stumble upon the fol­low­ing ad’…

I am rather per­plexed as to why someone would 1. want a rhino’s’ penis adorn­ing your wall, 2. how the per­mit applic­a­tion was com­pleted with regards to the ‘descrip­tion’ field, and 3. just how large the mar­ket for rhino’ penis buy­ers is.

From Octo­mom to porno mom

May 2 2012 at 12:03pm

She said she’s never do a porn film, but money prob­lems appear to have forced the hand (pun not inten­ded) of Octomom.

Nadya Sule­man, who became fam­ous for giv­ing birth to octup­lets, claims to be in debt to the tune of up to 1-million dol­lars, and has filed for bank­ruptcy. Sule­man, who has 14 chil­dren, is cur­rently unem­ployed, and owes money to doc­tors, teach­ers, law­yers and a cable TV com­pany. Her house is also set to be auctioned.

After turn­ing down repeated offers from an adult film com­pany to make a triple-X movie, Sule­man has reportedly inked a deal to do a solo mas­turb­a­tion film with a inter­net porn company.

Accord­ing to gos­sip site TMZ, the com­pany plan to release the video later this year.

Though there are no details about how much Sule­man is being paid to do the film shoot, a source revealed: “It’s a lot more than the $10 000 she made for pos­ing topless.”

As for Octomom’s vow that she would never do porn, TMZ reports that she doesn’t con­sider a mas­turb­a­tion video as porn, since she’ll be work­ing solo.

“I’m going to eat my words. All that mat­ters is I take care of my fam­ily,” she said.

“If it’s a well-paying job, and it allows me to move into a safe home that they deserve, I’m going to do it.”

Some­how I just can’t see her clear­ing any­where near one mil­lion for a video of her flap­ping about, try­ing to show her entrance to Nar­nia.

Firstly, when last did you actu­ally pay for access to ‘con­ven­tional’ por­no­graphic material?

Secondly, of those who have, how many of you paid to see some­thing resem­bling a crude ver­sion of the caviar extrac­tion pro­cess with a mind to enter­tain­ing your jig­gly bits? Not many, I’m guessing.

Per­haps we’ll be sur­prised though. Per­haps it’ll be a media frenzy! Just think, we might be able to buy USB hubs with Nadya’s face on them, allow­ing for mul­tiple and sim­ul­tan­eous uni­ver­sal con­nec­tions, or a tube­sock in birth canal col­ours bear­ing her endorse­ment, or per­haps even a new, faster ver­sion of the Kalash­nikov, the AK NS14, allow­ing for four­teen times more rounds capacity.

As an altern­at­ive busi­ness plan, I would revers­ing the idea. Per­son­ally, I’d pay not have my eye­balls scarred. I’m fairly cer­tain there are at least one mil­lion other guys out there who’d agree.

The thought of Octo­Mom bar­ing all, brings this to mind…

Source: IOL

Caught your atten­tion, did I?

I’ve just run across a video clip that may pass for the strangest film you’ll see this year.

Have an oggle at “Let Me Suck Your Breast”, a Ghanian creation.